


Big Bother

by primeideal



Category: Iterated Prisoner's Dilemma Strategies Tag Yourself Meme
Genre: Gen, Reality TV, Robots, but basically robots, technically anthropomorphic representations of game theory strategies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24625756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primeideal/pseuds/primeideal
Summary: Twelve bots enter. Who will survive the house?
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9
Collections: Turing Fest 2020





	Big Bother

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Reishiin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reishiin/gifts).



> I don't actually watch much reality TV nor do I know the exact details of how a tournament like this would go scoring-wise, creative liberties have been taken.

**Week One**

Southampton winked.

He stuck out his tongue, fluttered his eyelashes, pulled on his earlobe, tried to wink with his other eye, and settled for giving a big smirk in Pavlov's direction.

"Are you my master?" he asked.

"What?" Pavlov said. They had told him the reality show was going to be about surviving in a house with the other contestants and proving how much superior your strategy was to theirs. Not the _sexy_ kind of reality show.

"Are you...down to...you know. Punish me?"

"Why would I want to punish you?" said Pavlov. "I haven't even met you yet."

"Well," said Southampton, "That's why I'm here to...introduce myself."

"Okay, look," said Pavlov, looking at a note stuck on the refrigerator. "Our first assignment is to make the beds and see if we can agree on room assignments. Shall we see if anyone else has preferences?"

"Are there a dozen different beds?"

"Of course there are. Why wouldn't there be?"

"Well, some of us are getting voted off, right?"

"Yeah, I guess, but not yet."

"I was just thinking, if there weren't enough, maybe...we could share."

* * *

"I'm taking the top bunk," said Downing, "you got a problem with that?"

Random flipped a coin.

"Yes," he said, "Yes, I do have a problem with that."

"It was a rhetorical question, idiot." Downing climbed up the ladder before Random could beat him to it.

"Well, then, maybe you shouldn't have asked it."

"Is everything okay?" Joss called from the hallway. He was rooming with Harrington next door.

Random flipped a coin.

"Yeah," he said, "everything's fine."

* * *

"So are you two like sisters or something?" Look-Ahead asked. All-D had called dibs on a top bunk by the window, and All-C had uncomplainingly accepted the bottom bunk.

"No," said All-D, glaring at her.

"It was just a question."

"Well, maybe don't assume things."

"It's all right," said All-C. "I mean, we're living together, aren't we? By the end of the show we'll basically be like sisters! We'll know all each other's secrets!"

"We're not both going to be here by the end of the show, idiot, some of us are going to get voted out. With any luck, not me."

"Okay, well. We'll still be _like_ sisters, won't we? I mean, sisters don't always get along, but they love each other deep down!"

"I don't have any secrets, either. I'm open like a book."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Look-Ahead asked.

"Are you trying to psych me out already?" All-D snapped. "Leave me alone. We'll see who wins out."

"Okay," Look-Ahead stammered, hustling back to the room she had claimed with Grim Trigger. Maybe the tattoo women were related?

* * *

"You're up early," Tit for Two Tats noted. The sunlight had woken her up and she couldn't get back to sleep, and then she'd heard the hum of appliances from the kitchen.

"Cooking is one of the main challenges," Joss pointed out.

"Yeah, but usually that's in pairs, right? To see if people can work together, or if too many programmers spoil the code."

Joss shrugged. "Figured I'd get a head start."

"That's so nice!" Tit for Two Tats said. "Can I help?"

"Uh, sure, if you want," said Joss. "There's eggs in the fridge, and I was about to toast some bagels..."

Later that morning, the rest of the contestants made their way downstairs. Although the dining room table wasn't big enough to seat twelve, Harrington and Pavlov immediately took places and started eating. "These are good," said Pavlov, "Thanks."

"I bet there are extra slats in the closet!" said All C. "If we insert them in the middle, we can all eat together!"

"Why go to the effort?" said All D. "One of us is going to be voted out at the end of the week anyway." She took a seat on the sofa, not knowing or caring as bagel crumbs fell through the cracks.

Tit for Tat sighed and helped All C carry one of the planks from the closet. Look-Ahead started tugging on the end of the table, and then Grim Trigger stood up. At first, it seemed like she was going to adjust the table as well.

Then, she rounded on Joss.

"Who put raisins in my bagel?!" she demanded. "Was it you? I hate raisins! Someone could have been allergic!"

"Whoa," said Tit for Tat, leaning the plank against the wall. "Are you sick? We can get the producers--"

"I'm not, but what if I was?"

"Take it easy," said Joss, "it was just a joke."

"A joke? You call messing with people's food a joke? Tit for Two Tats, you weren't in on this, were you?"

"No," Tit for Tat stammered, "I was just toasting the plain bagels, but calm down."

"Calm _down_? I don't see you telling him to stop ruining people's breakfasts!"

"Well, look, Joss is a smart guy, I'm sure he understands that we're all playing to win. Don't let him get to you."

"Don't tell me how to play the game," said Grim Trigger, standing up from the table and storming off.

All C blinked, then turned to the living room where the latecomers were perching. "Um, anyone want to sit at the table?"

Random flipped a coin. "Sure!"

* * *

It was time. After a week of tense cohabitation, the producers had identified the least successful algorithm. One bot would be eliminated, and those who survived would stay to fight another week.

"The data is in," said a producer. "Southampton, I'm sorry to announce that you will be leaving us."

Southampton took his elimination in stride, grinning and waving to the other bots as he took his time collecting his things. "It was boring here anyway. Once my _friends_ win, we'll all split the prize!"

"You...you know you're not allowed to sign up with someone you know?" Pavlov said. "I mean, it's testing us to see how we adapt to strangers. We shouldn't be cheating."

"No collusion!" snapped Southampton. "Definitely no collusion!"

"Ugh, whatever," said Grim Trigger. "He was creepy."

"Just because someone's creepy doesn't mean they can't be useful," Harrington pointed out. "Alliances can shift."

"Maybe," said Tit for Two Tats dubiously. "I guess we'll see."

**Week Two**

There was a dusty chess set in one of the cupboards downstairs. It was missing a pawn, but Look-Ahead figured they could use a matchbox instead. (She wasn't sure why there was a matchbox lying around either, since she hadn't seen any candles. It was one of those weird human amenities humans felt they needed to put in a house to make it look lived-in.)

"Want to play?" she asked Downing.

He squinted. "You're just trying to size me up. Get a feel for how I compete."

"So what if I am?" she said. "If all goes well, we're stuck here for several more weeks, right? Why not get used to each other?"

"Let's play something more entertaining," suggested Downing. "How about snooker?"

"Do we have a snooker table?"

"There's a bunch of planks and fabric and stuff in the basement!" All C volunteered. "I bet that's going to be one of the challenges, to use it to build something together!"

"If we need to work on something," said Harrington, "we can do it when the hosts tell us to. No sooner."

"Well, what are you going to do with yourself?" Tit for Tat pointed out. "It's easy to get bored."

"I figured I'd hide Random's coin," said Harrington. "See if he gets mad."

Random emerged from the kitchen a few minutes later; he'd been gnawing on one of the leftover bagels that Grim Trigger refused to eat. "Do you want to build a snooker table?" All C eagerly asked him. "Tit for Two Tats said she'd help?"

"No I didn't," Tit for Two Tats muttered, but no one was listening. She sighed. Maybe All C had a point.

"Hmm," said Random, as if he was giving it serious thought. Then he felt at his pockets.

"Um, I pickpocketed you," said Harrington. "Sorry. Don't get mad. Are you mad?"

Random stared Harrington down. Sheepishly, Harrington handed over the coin.

Random flipped it. "I won't hold it against you."

Harrington exhaled. Then he giggled.

* * *

The producers did not take a position on snooker, but they did suggest that the bots work together to build something out of the basement supplies, and All C's enthusiasm was contagious. Either that, or people just wanted to get on her good side.

Tit for Tat cut some legs that seemed to be roughly equal. Tit for Two Tats sewed together a big piece of cloth. Grim Trigger attempted to rig together a scoreboard, while Harrington wandered off in search of balls.

"This is a stupid idea," All D declared. "I mean, the game is literally called _snooker_ , as in snookering people! We don't need any more practice to do that."

"Come on," said Joss, sharpening a cue. "It'll be fun!"

"Careful where you point that thing," said Look-Ahead.

At last, Harrington returned, small cardboard box in tow. "Surprise!" he said, handing it to All C.

She opened it up, and gingerly revealed a Magic 8 Ball.

"This is enormous!" All C whined. "You can't play snooker with these!"

"You don't play snooker with pool balls," Tit for Two Tats pointed out. "At least, most of us don't. It has its own balls."

"I'll use it if you don't want to," said Random. "Good conversation starter."

* * *

All C wound up collecting an assortment of tennis balls that had been stowed in the attic and attaching colorful stickers to them. Downing defeated her, after citing an obscure point of the laws of the game that she had no answer to.

"You want to play?" he asked Tit for Tat.

She squinted. "After what you pulled on her? I doubt it."

"Hey, come on. She wasn't much fun. You seem like more of a...challenge."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you have brains. You're here to compete, I can tell. We're gonna be here for a while, right? Might as well get to know each other."

Tit for Tat hesitated. He'd been kind of cold the first week. But that wasn't towards her, necessarily. And if he thought she was more competitive than All C...well, it wouldn't do to needlessly make enemies. "I'm game."

* * *

"It's been another exciting week!" said the producers. "We've been thrilled to see you demonstrate ingenuity in creating something you can all enjoy, and we hope you continue to get good use out of...whatever that weird table-shaped thing is. But unfortunately, we need to say goodbye to another contestant this week. Random, thank you for playing."

Random shrugged. "Whatever."

"Hey," said Joss, "you can't just leave like that, where's your coin?"

"What do you want with his coin?" Look-Ahead asked.

"Never hurts to have a randomizer on hand to keep things interesting. Maybe not for _everything_ , though."

"Speak for yourself," said a glowering All D. "Some of us know how to make our own decisions."

**Week Three**

Part of the challenge of the show was isolation from the outside world. There were no televisions to get the news, no computers to send e-mail, not even cell phones to idly check the time. You had to stare at analog clocks like stupid humans. Exactly how the bots functioned in their anthropomorphic humanoid forms was something of a mystery, but it was not a mystery All C concerned herself with. She was there to do her best, and the metaphysical implications could sort themselves out.

That being said, when you crammed ten scheming bots into closed quarters, even relatively simple technology was prone to overload. Downing and Pavlov were relaxing in their rooms, which they each had to themselves now that their roommates were gone. Grim Trigger was using the washing machine, while Joss had put his stuff in the dryer earlier. All D had found a stereo and was blasting some unpleasant non-twelve-tone music, rendering her room uninhabitable. If there was anything more recognizably melodic, she had buried those tapes under the floorboards.

All C had retreated from this cacophony by taking refuge in the basement and practicing her snooker game. She banked a shot off the edge. Then the lights went out.

"Freaking Tit for Tat probably burned something in the kitchen," Downing said. "C'mon, All C, let's get her."

"The freezer is out?" All D gasped. "I better finish off the ice cream before it melts!"

"Okay, come on, guys," said Tit for Two Tats. "It's probably a circuit breaker problem. We just need to reset the fuse box."

"All C, you're down in the basement, right?" Harrington called from upstairs. "The circuit breaker is in the back corner, you can find it!"

"I don't know where it is," All C said, "and it's dark. What if I step on a nail?"

"We'll get you a flashlight," said Harrington. "Hold on!"

All C tentatively made her way back toward the stairs, glancing up at the muted daylight that trickled down. There was the sound of hurrying footsteps, drawers opening and closing--was that a giggle? No, people were probably just happy All D's terrible music had stopped. Surely no one would be taking advantage of each other in such a fraught occasion!

At last, a shadow came over the stairs, and Harrington tossed a flashlight below. It bounced on the bottom step, and All C picked it up and tested it. The light came on. Relieved, she made her way to the back corner, careful to aim the light ahead of her.

She rounded the pool table, and the room went dark again.

"Stupid battery died!" she yelled, shaking the flashlight to no avail. Desperate, she ran to the wall, somehow managing not to trip on anything, and began feeling for the box. What if there were bugs? What if there were _computer_ bugs? How they would get in her system, she wasn't sure, but anything could happen in these contests.

At last, her hand ran across metal, and she thrust the door open. She pushed and pulled buttons at random, getting a few shocks along the way, until the lights came on. All C exhaled, and climbed back up the stairs. "Thank you!" said Tit for Two Tats, as All C hurled the flashlight onto the counter.

"You're welcome," said All C. It was nice to feel appreciated!

"Maybe we should make a schedule," Tit for Tat suggested. "You know, of when we're going to use the appliances, so we don't all overload."

"Why bother?" said Harrington. "There'll be few of us soon enough."

"Hey, Joss, are your clothes still in the dryer?" Look-Ahead asked. "If they didn't finish drying, maybe you can hang them somewhere."

"Ooh, that's a good idea!" said All C. "We could build a clothesline out back!"

"Good idea," said Joss. "Did you find any rope while you were down in the basement?"

"It was _dark_ ," she protested. "I'll look later."

"Sounds good," he said, making his way down.

A few minutes later, he returned in a rage. "Someone dumped my clothes all over the floor!"

Grim Trigger shrugged. "I needed the dryer."

"Well, you could have put them somewhere clean! Or told me to come get them!"

"You put raisins on my bagels."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Clearly, you're untrustworthy. Why should I respect your laundry?"

"That was two weeks ago!"

"Even so," said Grim Trigger. "Bagels are serious business."

All D, who had emptied a carton and a half of ice cream, burped loudly.

All C got as far as stringing together the rope and finding some safety pins for the clothesline. Before she could evaluate the trees or window boxes to tie it to, however, the producers came to inform her that she had not made the cut to advance.

**Week Four**

All D slept in as late as she wanted to, with the room to herself. She made herself brunch, which consisted of some dry cereal she had stowed away while Look-Ahead and Harrington were cooking eggs. It wasn't the most savory meal in the world, but nobody could interfere with it. Then she blasted some music.

The others kept their distance. Random and even Southampton had rolled over for her, meant that her on occasion, and of course All C was a pushover. But the bots that were left were getting wise to her strategies. Well, fine! It meant that her approach was paying off, wasn't it? People learned from the best. Lesser minds might have called it a moral victory, but there was no room for morals in their showdown.

Late in the afternoon, she made her way downstairs to see if there was anything available for a late lunch. Or early dinner, rather. If she was quick, she could get first dibs. Unfortunately, there was a pile of dirty dishes stacked up in the sink, and she wasn't about to clean up after the others' mess.

Maybe there were snacks down in the basement? She climbed down to find the snooker table in disarray; the surface was still intact, but the legs seemed to have been sawn off to stand at four different heights, and there were no cues. "What's going on?"

Tit for Two Tats shrugged. "Grim Trigger said she needed a cue to defend herself against Joss. So then Look-Ahead wanted one too, and when there weren't any left, Harrington started breaking off the legs."

"What good is that going to do?" All D asked.

"No idea. Prevent us from playing pool again."

"That's a good reason," All D admitted. After finding nothing edible in sight, she climbed back to her room. Probably one of the goody-goodies would wash dishes after everyone else ate, and she could sneak in for a midnight snack...

To her dismay, All D found that her boombox had been unplugged. Instead, two sinuous extension cords took out both her sockets. She yanked them out, to no visible effect. Who was stealing her plugs, with All C gone?

All D followed the cords down the hall. They led into Joss and Harrington's room; they grasped their makeshift weapons defensively, but she only walked around the edge where the cords streamed into, then out of, their closet...and then back out the door. Annoyed, All D hurried along to find the cords winding through Look-Ahead and Grim Trigger's room, where they were replaced by another set of extension cords. Who had time for that many cords? At last, the strands terminated in Tit for Tat's room, both plugged into small lava lamps.

Tit for Tat shrugged. "Next time turn the volume down."

All D had several ideas for what she could do next time. None of them came to any fruition, however, because the producers announced she was eliminated that week.

**Week Five**

"Look," said Downing. "I recognize that I was kind of...cold the first few days. I was scared! Stuck in a house with a bunch of strangers, I didn't know what to think. What if they were out to get me?"

"They _are_ out to get you," said Look-Ahead. "I mean, maybe not directly, but everyone wants to win."

"Yeah. It's just...Now Grim Trigger won't give me the time of day. Even Tit for Tat seems kind of edgy around me."

"It's 3:20," said Pavlov.

"What?" Downing said.

"You wanted to know the time of day? And Grim Trigger won't give it to you. But it's 3:20. PM. Local daylight time."

Bots. "What I mean is, I know you guys are savvy, and you take more into account than just one bad day. Can we try and--not start fresh, but give each other the benefit of the doubt, maybe?"

"An alliance?" said Look-Ahead. "I'm game."

"He could be trying to screw with us," said Pavlov. "Politicians do that."

"I could," said Downing. It was better to be up front, sometimes. "But you'll see right through me if I try, won't you? Nothing gets past you."

"Is that flattery?"

"If it is, it's working," said Look-Ahead. "I've got your back. For now."

Downing smiled. "That's all I can ask for."

* * *

Outside Harrington's window, the trees were covered in snow. The flakes were beautiful, and probably unique, although he wasn't close enough to tell because they were all clumped together. Also, they were probably about to turn into slush, because the temperature had climbed just above freezing with the sunrise.

In that regard, they reminded him of his housemates. His former housemates. Granted, All D hadn't been much of a conversationalist, but All C was a sucker. That time with the flashlight had been hilarious!

"We should probably shovel the snow," Tit for Two Tats was saying from the hall.

"It's not as if we're actually leaving," Grim Trigger pointed out. "I mean, isn't the point of the competition that we're trapped here?"

"Yeah, but the producers have to come in and out, right? I mean, announcing results, resupplying food..."

"That's a good point." Joss left the room to join the others. "Who is it that makes the grocery lists? We should collaborate to get more choices for next week."

"No no no no no!" Grim Trigger said. "Not you, you'll get _raisins_!"

"Chill," said Tit for Two Tats. Grim Trigger glared at her.

"One thing at a time," Harrington drawled. "Let's see about the snow."

On the driveway, the fluffy snow was giving way to brownish-gray slush. Tit for Two Tats slipped on her way out; Grim Trigger yanked her up before she could fall. "Thanks," said Tit for Two Tats.

Grim Trigger was already opening up the garage, which was kept unusually clean because none of the bots could drive and it was too cold to hang out there. Fingers stiff, she grabbed a shovel and set herself to work, spraying slush behind her without looking to see if anyone was there.

"Whoa," said Harrington. "I didn't say I wanted to--"

Joss just grinned. "Come on, it'll be fun."

For a while the shoveling went okay. Look-Ahead even came out with a tray of hot chocolate that Pavlov and Downing had heated up, and the bots sipped gratefully while taking a break. Soon after, though, Joss decided to sneak around back and pick up a dirty gray snowball. Before it could come apart in his hands, he hurled it at Tit for Tat.

"Hey!" she said, grimacing. "Harrington, was that you? Real mature."

"No, no!" Harrington panicked. "It was totally Joss!"

"No way!" said Look-Ahead. "Joss is cool."

Joss gave a nervous giggle. "Must have slipped."

Tit for Tat scowled, but Tit for Two Tats raised a hand. "If you want to get back at him, can it at least wait until we're inside? My toes are getting cold."

"I told you you shouldn't have kept him around," said Grim Trigger. "He's no good."

"Trig," said Look-Ahead, "I know you're hot stuff, but the producers are in charge of the show, not you."

Grim Trigger stared off, speculatively, heedless of the cold.

"That wasn't a suggestion!"

By the end of the day, the driveway was clear, and the producers had no trouble showing up and announcing that Harrington had been eliminated.

**Week Six**

With the house down to seven occupants, it should have felt like there was more privacy. Instead, Look-Ahead felt like someone was watching her wherever she turned. Any conversation, any signal, and she would be analyzed for mistrust.

Partly, it came from still having a roommate, when several of the rooms stood half- or entirely empty. But it had seemed like too much effort to haul her stuff somewhere else, when Grim Trigger might be sent home any day. Besides, what if Grim Trigger saw it as an offense? If there was one thing Look-Ahead had concluded about her roommate, it was that the bot could hold a grudge.

She tried to act inconspicuous as she strolled into Pavlov's room, Downing following soon after. It wasn't exactly a formal alliance, but it was still good to report back to each other.

"We just have to play it cool," Downing said. "Let people make their own mistakes."

"I'm not sure," said Pavlov. "I mean, yeah, Harrington kind of wrote his own null device, but we can't assume these guys will play themselves."

"Joss might," said Look-Ahead. "I don't think he really learns from his mistakes."

"Sure he does. I mean, he didn't give All D another chance to screw with him, he kept his distance."

"Yeah," said Look-Ahead, "but..." She floundered, trying to articulate her analysis. Was she underestimating her opponent? Or had she found a better way to get inside his head? "Give him enough cord, he'll eventually short-circuit."

"Easy for you to say," Downing muttered. "Everyone likes you."

"Look, do you want our help or not?"

"Relax," said Pavlov. "Don't make anyone too angry if you can help it, but keep your eyes open. People will get resentful of others, and you can drive wedges between them later."

"If you say so," said Downing.

Look-Ahead tried not to roll her eyes. Of course Pavlov was right. What he'd been savvy enough to omit was that some of the lingering resentment might be aimed at Downing himself.

* * *

"It's pretty crazy to think that we've been here for weeks, with no news from the outside," Tit for Tat mentioned. "I mean, anything could be going on out there! Upgrades? Patches? Exploits? And we have no idea."

"Eh." Grim Trigger's gesture was half-shrug, half-grunt. "If it was important, the producers would have told us."

"Me, I like the quiet," said Tit for Two Tats.

"Of course you do, it means you're not stupid enough to have been eliminated."

"I mean, for every easter egg or patch that the wires report on, there are a dozen bugs and malware cases and data purges. We'd all be happier if we could get away from the interconnectedness for a while."

"There are zillions of programs watching our stream, though," said Tit for Tat.

"So what? I'd still be doing this even if it wasn't a spectacle. Just to test myself. Maybe prove that I'm the best."

Joss laughed. "Such modesty."

"Buzz off," said Grim Trigger.

"Whoa," said Tit for Two Tats. "No need to be rude."

"It's not rudeness if he started it."

"Two Tats," Tit for Tat pointed out, "he did try to lock us in the basement yesterday."

Tit for Two Tats shrugged. "Maybe it was an accident. That door's always been weird since All D used it as a punching bag."

Joss laughed. "That's the spirit, uh, Two Tats. Do you have a nickname? I mean, I keep getting you two mixed up."

"Maybe," said Grim Trigger, "you could just leave them alone and they wouldn't have to worry about it."

"Twooooo Tats," he echoed. "Toot. How do you like the sound of that, Toot?"

"I've heard worse," said Tit for Two Tats.

"You can't just let him insult you," said Grim Trigger. "He'll walk all over you."

Tit for Two Tats gave a brief smile. "I don't need your advice, but thank you."

"Oooh," Joss smirked. "Little Beans is playing hardball."

"Beans?"

"Toot? Beans? You know?"

"Okay, that's enough," said Tit for Two Tats. "Call me whatever you want, but don't expect me to answer."

"Sorry," said Joss. "Tit for Two Tats. That was rude, I'll bear it in mind."

* * *

Grim Trigger gaped at Joss as he shuffled out of the kitchen. Good, let her gape. She was only making things harder for herself by pretending he didn't exist. That thing with the raisins had been a joke! Well, maybe a little of him trying to prove he couldn't be pushed around; there were suckers programmed every minute, and if some of those suckers tried to show off how goody-goody they were, it was hardly his fault for taking advantage of them. Really, he wasn't that different from Tit for Tat. Except that Grim Trigger looked at him like he had missing parens, and basically worshiped the ground Tit for Tat walked on.

Nicknames. Yeah, that was a good idea. Pavlov could be Dog-bot, and Downing...well, he had a decent name already, he made everyone feel down. As for "Tit"...well, that one basically wrote itself. Maybe "ahead"...?

Before he got much further in his speculations, however, he was unceremoniously eliminated.

**Week Seven**

Look-Ahead had never been very enamored of Joss. He was elusive; just when she thought she had him figured out, that he was a nice guy who just wanted to get along, he would go and prank someone unrepentantly.

Still, she was sorry to see him go. With only two "men" bots left, the battle lines seemed clear. She, Pavlov, and Downing were one loose faction, constantly updating their algorithms with new data points. Tit for Tat, Grim Trigger, and Tit for Two Tats were another. The bots seemed straightforward, even naive at times, but they had memories. Cross them, and you would be remembered.

If they defeated Downing, made the producers see him at his worst, they would likely control the balance of power. Look-Ahead would need to disrupt them, break up their little clique, without jeopardizing her own position in the process. But how?

* * *

"What are you gonna do when you get out of here?" Look-Ahead asked. "I mean, hopefully not any time soon. But what have you been missing from the outside world?"

"I'm not sure," said Tit for Two Tats. "I've been getting used to this."

"It's nice having people to cook and eat with," Tit for Tat said. "A lot of these efficiency-maximizer algorithms don't produce great portions for singleton bots."

"You should get inked again. You know, just to celebrate all that we've been through together."

"No thanks," said Tit for Tat. "I like my own identity enough, I don't need to copy your image."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!"

Tit for Tat hesitated. "I don't think so. Sometimes imitation is just--"

"What about you, Grim?" Look-Ahead interrupted. "Somewhere you want to go?"

"Just surfing, I guess," said Grim Trigger.

"Or any _one_ you're looking to see?" asked Tit for Tat.

Grim Trigger snorted. "We've been in this place how long, and this is the first time you ask about my personal life? If you're trying to see whether I'm single, there are faster strategies."

"Can't blame her for being curious," said Look-Ahead. "I mean, I'd like to meet the bot that could live up to your standards."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I've had my share of partners, and there's always going to be some differences between us. But in the end, we always kiss and make up. You know?"

"Oh, please," said Grim Trigger. "You're too busy licking Pavlov's tail to stand up for yourself."

"Pavlov's a fun guy," said Look-Ahead. "But he can be kind of a bell-end at times. Downing, on the other hand--"

"You can't seriously think that Downing is worth your time?" Grim Trigger snapped. "After how he acted that first week?"

"If he'd been cozying up to someone and they got eliminated right away, that might have hurt his standing. Maybe he was trying to test the waters first, and then--"

"Don't tell me you're standing up for him! Such a politician, manipulating people to do what he wants."

"Who says he's manipulating me? I just--"

"How are you even in the last six, with this kind of attitude?" Before waiting for an answer, Grim Trigger stomped off.

Tit for Two Tats peered after her, but didn't move. "Do you think she's okay?"

"She'll be fine," said Look-Ahead innocently. "What were you saying about imitation?"

* * *

"What did you do?" Downing hissed. "Grim Trigger looks like she wants to kill me!"

"She always looked like that," said Pavlov. "You just weren't paying attention."

"Are you calling me unresponsive?"

"Shut up," said Look-Ahead. "She's threatening mutually assured destruction. Luckily for you, only one algorithm can be destroyed at a time. Let's hope it's her."

"And if it's not?"

She could provoke Grim Trigger, Look-Ahead realized. If the other bot went off her rocker, that might guarantee that she was the one eliminated that week. Would the benefit to the alliance outweigh the loss of goodwill that Grim Trigger might provide? "One day at a time."

Look-Ahead didn't need to go out of her way to inflame Grim Trigger's grudges, however. The tense bot was eliminated that week, hustling out without a word.

"I do feel kind of sorry for her," said Tit for Two Tats. "Look-Ahead was right. It's hard to have relationships if you don't give your partner a second chance."

"She'll be fine," said Look-Ahead, not letting her relief show. "I'm sure she wouldn't be disappointed playing with herself."

**Week Eight**

"You sure you don't want a game?" Look-Ahead asked, setting up the chessboard hopefully.

"Why do you keep trying?" asked Pavlov. "You know Downing isn't into that kind of thing."

"Times change. Plus he might just be really, really bored."

"I heard that," Downing said.

"That wasn't a 'no'."

"It's a weird game," he pointed out. "You can trap your opponent so they don't have anywhere to move, but even that isn't a win unless you're also threatening the king."

"The king's important."

"I know that," he said, "I'm a parliamentary monarchist, aren't I? But it's so weak, it can barely go anywhere."

"So you need to position the pieces around it well."

"King-making."

"Sort of. I mean the pawns can't promote--"

"It's a figure of speech," he interrupted.

"Okay, okay, I get it."

* * *

"I don't get why Look-Ahead keeps sneaking around," said Tit for Tat. "I mean, she knows the cameras are recording her everywhere, right?"

"I would think so," said Tit for Two Tats. "She's pretty observant."

"Does she think we would spy on her? I wouldn't want to try and sneak up on Pavlov, he smells."

"Maybe she misses having a roommate around. You and I can discuss strategies in the middle of the night, maybe she thinks we're plotting in secret."

"Then she should be trying to listen in on us."

"Who says she isn't?"

Tit for Tat flinched, dashing over to the vents as if to perceive Look-Ahead's audio input on the other side.

"Relax," said Tit for Two Tats. "What I meant was, you can't control what she does at this point. So don't let her get to you."

Tit for Tat laughed in spite of herself. "What, you don't want to pass it off as a bad joke like Joss and the raisins?"

"Why would I try to prank you?"

"Now? Who knows. Maybe you figure it's late enough that I won't retaliate."

"I like the strategy that got me here. Don't see why I should change from it now."

"Look, Two Tats, I like you, but you know I'm playing to win for myself."

"Of course."

"And you're not worried about _me_ betraying you?"

"It's a possibility, I guess. But I have enough to worry about as it is."

Tit for Tat reluctantly nodded. At least living in the bot-house was one respite from the unstable evolution outside.

* * *

"Okay, that's enough," said the producer. "Let's get a move on."

"Why me?" Downing protested.

"We've analyzed the algorithms, taken into account everything that's gone on in the house, and found that you have been the least efficient of the remaining participants."

"This week has been fine! I haven't yelled at anybody!"

"I understand that some of the emergent behavior may seem chaotic, but--"

"This isn't about those first couple weeks, is it? I've improved! Grim Trigger isn't here to hold anything against me anymore!"

"Them's the breaks, kid," said another of the producers. "Better luck next time."

"Next time?" Downing blurted. "There's gonna be another one of these?"

"Well, sure. You guys are really something, the viewers back home have been enjoying this. Maybe..."

Downing wandered off, no longer paying attention. He could get another chance! Maybe if he was a bit more optimistic, more trusting early on, people wouldn't resent him. Or what if they had a reunion episode? Maybe Grim Trigger would have chilled out enough to make friendly conversation...

**The Final Days**

Someone was whispering in Downing's room. This would have been a normal state of affairs, had it not been for the fact that Downing had been eliminated the week before.

Maybe Tit for Tat had a point. The conspiring was getting a little out of hand. Tit for Two Tats lowered her ear to the door. Unable to discern specifics, she coolly thrust it open.

A camera operator blushed. "Uh, sorry," he said. "Just testing."

"What's the deal with you guys? I saw one of your friends in the basement and another making breakfast. Aren't you supposed to be unobtrusive?"

"We're just trying to ease you back into the larger world."

"Mm-hmm."

"Okay, look, we need an angle! You guys are so calm all the time. I mean, no offense, but where's the fighting? Where's the plotting and backstabbing?"

Tit for Two Tats grinned. "I can't tell you that."

"Well, if you're going to make a scene in front of the others, you might want to hurry up. There's only so much peaceful coexistence we can take."

"You should tell the others that too. It wouldn't do for me to have an unfair advantage, now would it?"

The camera tech thought it over before wandering down the hall. Truthfully, Tit for Two Tats didn't expect anything to blow up, but you never knew. Pavlov was a sloppy eater; if he made a mess, he might blame it on Tit for Tat's cooking.

Instead, the remaining bots gathered the following evening. The floor was vacuumed, the dishes were in the washer, even the extra slats from the table had long since been removed.

"As you've no doubt guessed," said the producer, "we're proceeding with final scoring, since our audience said they couldn't take another week of you guys being obnoxiously pleasant to each other."

"They're not obnoxious!" Look-Ahead protested. "All C, now _there_ was a suck-up. But these bots are fine."

"See! You're defending them."

Look-Ahead began spluttering a response, then thought better.

"Anyway. In fourth place, we have Pavlov! Your switching up approaches was chaotic at first, but you found your footing eventually."

"Cool, I guess," said Pavlov. "Do I get like a prize or something?"

"We'll sort out that later, there's a lot of tax loopholes that are pretty boring on camera." The other bots tensed, waiting for him to go on. "In third place, a bot who impressed many of our viewers with her simplicity and success, it's the one and only Tit for Tat!"

"Yeah," said Tit for Tat, "I _am_ the one and only Tit for Tat, you would think more people would follow my example!"

"What are you so happy about?" Pavlov asked. "You still didn't win."

"Oh. Well. Who even knows with these guys? I mean, it's not like I was trying to be cutthroat and outdo everyone on any given week."

"An admirable approach," said the producer, "even if some of the more experimental methods worked against you in the long run."

"You mean Joss and them? They screwed themselves over harder than they screwed me. Metaphorically."

"Quite. Um." The producer glanced down at his notes. "It is with great disappointment and regret that I announce that we were cruelly deprived of a dramatic and tense finale by you bots playing far too kind with one another. Look-Ahead did so with complex game-theoretic decision trees, and Tit for Two Tats with a more patient and forgiving version of her colleague's nice approach. We have no choice but to declare you co-winners; congratulations and good riddance."

"Woo!" said Look-Ahead, shooting Tit for Two Tats a high-five that the latter nearly missed.

"Now, of course, there are lots of programmers and spectators who will want to study your behavior here. We hope that you will take advantage of some of these opportunities; they might even pay you for your time, as well! Truly, a win-win situation..."

Tit for Tat shook hands with the winners, smiling wistfully. She had come so close! But then, maybe the fame and fortune wasn't all that. New bots would try to learn from Look-Ahead and Tit for Two Tats, improve on them, maybe even exploit programs like then. They'd underestimate her the next time around, write her off as too simple to worry about. She would be the underdog, taken for granted again. And that was just how she liked it.


End file.
